I am the moon

I continually change

they all call me moon

but i have been given a name

circling the world

revolving around

as I change I don’t make a sound

I start as a new moon

I start empty and covered

nothing to illuminate

by the earth I am Sheltered

a hope in being a waxing crescent

I partially see your light

but part of me still covered

by the darkness of night

half moon

I see the light more

and the sun reflects off me my spirit is poor

I peek around to see the light

waxing gibbous

Surrender to being filled by the light

I am building and growing more and more

a full moon I become

So full I could soar

over flowing with light I can light up the earth

when the darkness comes

I show the earth worth

that light comes from me

they can see

because the sun shines on me

waining gibbous

I don’t think I can do this

Ill turn back to the earth

to find my empty worth

waining crescent

this isn’t pleasant

Starting to deny the existence

of your love

of your presence

new moon I am again

broken and empty

and in your hands

soon you will begin to show me your light

and again in me you will take delight

even though I revolve around the world

deny your worth

even though your the only thing that makes me true

true to who I am

illuminated in you

in your light denying man

but im caught up by the gravity

of this “life” filled rock

an abundant life it seems to block

but the sun will always shine on me

even when i run and flee

you give an undeserved mercy to me.

The vastness of creation reflects your powerful love

morning dove

you coo and welcome the sun every morning

and other birds join your song

they sing along

and greet the dawn

they worry not

just freely fly

across the blues and grays in the sky

a thick fog gently crowds the mountain tops

everything in perfect place nothing stops

a certain gloom seems to appear

but those rolling hills will soon be clear

the sun will give life to the green of the trees

fulfilling the worlds entire needs

roots grow deep and absorb the richness of the soil

there is no incredible turmoil

when nature takes its course and seasons change

there is no question,

it just turns the page

the bareness of winter accepts your embrace

and with that brings spring

newness in every place

the soft showers of spring

brings incredible, beautiful things

and welcomes your warmth

as summer takes its course

autumn in all its color filled splendor

closes the circle and brings the cycle back center

bring me to know the acceptance of nature

so I can partake in this beautiful surrender.

God.

Are you there?

I need you

To draw me near

Wrap me up in your arms

Hold me really close

It’s you that I want to need the most

I have told myself to trust

To try to trust people but its like trusting in dust

Buts and pieces flowing all around

Never can I find a place to rest

To lie down

I want to trust in you

To rest in your peace to be made new

Shalom

You say it an amazing peace

I’m dying to feel

I will not seize

So please come,

Come and hold me close

It’s you that I want to need the most

My heart it battered is broken is bear

And although no one seems to care

I know that shalom you want to share

You love me

And I accept that you do

Even though it doesn’t make sense with all

we have been through.

Your love is like a waterfall

That I have tried to force into a tea cup

It hasn’t worked

I feel like giving up

Is that there you want me to be

Totally broken

And unable to see

I am blind and need you to lead

Take my arm and guide me on the right path

Make me blind so I cant see forward or back

That I can only feel exactly where I am

And the only way to tell is by grasping your hand

I’m relying on you and your masterful plan

This blindness feels crippling

Debilitating

Sickening

Its where I am step by step breath by breath

My dependence on you

Turning from death.

Shalom peace through this darkened space

Come and hold me and touch me every place

Surround me with your amazing love

Without my vision to your love I will plunge

Your amazing love surrounds me as the ocean

I no longer need that drunken potion

To mask my tears

To mask my fears

But to you I turn my listening ears

My focus on you

Authentic and true

Help me to see

What is really true

That your plans are to prosper me not to cause harm

So there is no reason to be alarmed

Your presence is real

Your embrace is something I feel

Not just on the outer parts of me

But down to the center

To the very core of who I am

Far more that any man ever can

You make me whole

You make me

Me

I am who I am

Most definitely

To remind me that I am blind

And that you are my way to shalom

That is my sight

Peace within

To the very core

Your comfort is far more

Than anything I could even pretend to adore

My hand is locked in yours and there is will remain

And I remember that I only have temporary pain

Because provide that peace

To every piece of me

So I will let my roots sink

In you beautifully.

Reign in my soul

with rain filled eyes

see through eyes to my soul

and know me

completely

there lies lay

lay, lie and rest

the pain

in my chest

the pane

the window pane

of the heart

holds together like a broken window

the frame

remain

inward shattered,

the same

FREEDOM!!!

Freedom!

freedom.

I can say it again and again

but the same scars still remain

I can talk,

my mouth can flop

round and round up and down

but peace is not something that I have really

I mean really, ever found

My eyes shed rivers

that run deep

my chin quivers

I don’t have slivers

but a planks

and to be frank

I proclaim

the rein

God’s reigning over my life

but the things I participate in are spurred by strife

like a knife

I stab deeper into my own back

FACT

I am self medicating.

Negotiating.

Compromising.

Manipulating.

compiling my thoughts

and in these I get caught

instead of life,

I begin to rot.

In my filth

my guilt

my shame

and I begin the retched game

taking the reigns

but reigning on my own

rain

in my eyes

Disguise

Masquerade, my spirit fades

A mask of pride

Gray skies and lies

compressing in my mind

shame

it’s a humbling pain,

that remains

this train

all this cargo

has flooded my brain

Freedom I have only self proclaimed

and have not called on the Name

the Name of Christ

instead I have just turned that knife

deeper, twist

Jab,

like this.

Pass the Whiskey

then it hit me.

He Loves me

in this fog

this mind clog

I cant do it

its as good a clogged toilet

I’m full of crap

get a plunger

get out of the trap

fact

I am forgiven

plunge so nothing is hidden…

you cant do it on your own

and although your heart is prone

to wonder

ponder

on this

don’t miss it

you are an infant

Get that out of your mouth

I’ll scream!

I’ll kick!

I’ll shout!

Doubt…

that I need the One I cant live without

I said out!

Get that out of your mouth

I have something better

It’s a love letter

my word

It’s the Bible you have heard

the truth

It’s not sweet or cuddly or cute

its living

and its you I am forgiving

a double edged sword

not a weak string,

but a bound chord

this sword is not a knife

life

to your heart

never apart

to your soul

and though you feel out of control

this is precisely where you should be

broken

contrite in front of me

you can stop now,

you can rest

I know whats best

Just rest

Just be

in my arms

in infancy.

Drink of the Word

Make it more than just something you have heard

Make it nourishment

And in that,

find contentment

Sure you have a lot of growing to do

but believe in me

because I believe in you

not on your own

but with two

me.

Me!

ME!!!

and you.

Self proclaimed freedom

and

True freedom…

Didn’t know the difference until now.

Let me paint a picture for you of a boy that is participating in science camp this week. His name is CJ and he is wheelchair bound and suffers from the crippling disease called cerebral palsy. I and little to no control over the movement of his limbs and speaks in grunts and groans that few are able to understand. It seems as though only those who have spent a great deal of time around him would be able to make sense out of the noises that seem to uncontrollably escape his mouth. When our boss notified us that we would be working with a student in such condition my first thought was, “Woah, I hope I’m not CJ’s naturalist for the week, that would really mess up my lessons to try to adapt to that kind of disability.” I realize that this train of thought was selfish, and quite honestly inconsiderate. While checking everyone in I came across CJ and his guardians who happened to be his Grandma and Grandpa they both hand a somberness to them as I am sure a trip like this for CJ is probably a great deal of work. I showed them where his food could be kept; his was kept separate because it needed to be made into a liquid most likely because of the lack of control he had over his muscles would make it difficult to chew. I did not end up being CJ’s naturalist and at this point I was relieved. During recreation time today I saw something while watching sixth graders on the basketball courts that brought me to tears. A young, tall, stocky blond headed kid was wheeling CJ over to the basketball court nearest me. He was bending down and talking into CJ’s ear exciting him about playing a game of hoop. This boy is CJ’s best friend. “Let’s play basketball together CJ! Wanna shoot some baskets with me?!” CJ responded with a series of noises and even got so excited that a snorting noise would erupt out of pure joy that he had his best friend by his side. CJ and John were like two peas in a pod, side by side. John had no regard for who was paying attention the only person he cared to acknowledge was his best friend. Although CJ is bound by physical constraints John included him, listened to him, loved him. I sat there on the bench and watched this interaction, deeply moved by this I couldn’t help but think about what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus. John was literally CJ’s hands and feet. John would shoot a basket and CJ would flail with excitement when he made it almost plunging himself out of his seat. But John would go up to CJ and make sure that he was back in his chair safe and secure, placing his feet back in the designated space at the base of his wheel chair. “you wanna shoot one CJ?” John asked with a big smile on his face. CJ said, “Yeah” the best that he could and had a smile that shined across his whole face. I was a little nervous for how this was going to turn out knowing full well that CJ was completely incapable of such and endeavor. But John knew exactly what to do. He went behind CJ”s chair and placed the ball on his lap, then John grabbed both of CJ’s hands and placed them on the ball. With John’s hands on top of CJ’s he raised the ball above CJ’s head and aimed the ball toward the basket. With CJ’s physical limitations he was unable to shoot the ball to John would then shoot it for him. They both went onto play and took turns shooting the basketball as John continued to help out CJ when it was his turn to shoot. John was the hands and feet of Jesus, he allowed CJ to do things that no one else had taken the time to do. I was awakened from my trance and overflowing emotion by a young boy’s voice saying. “Tiger lily?” I turned around quickly while whipping the tears from my cheeks and swallowing the sobs that this picture had brought me to. “Are you ok?” I turned around to a group of middle school boys who were seriously concerned for my well being. “Yes, I am fine boys… I am just watching…Thank you for asking.” They left baffled that I would be in tears because they had only seen the side of me that is out of control energy so that they would have and enjoyable experience, very rarely I am this deeply moved by acts of human kindness. Especially from a 6^th grade boy. John continued playing with CJ the entire recreation time and was playing some sort of question game with this basketball hoop. John or CJ would ask the basketball hoop a question and if the shot was made the answer was a yes, if it wasn’t then the answer was no. Very rarely did they make a basket but it was pretty amusing to watch. “Will CJ become a millionaire? Will CJ become more famous? Will I get a donut?” All of these questions were asked to this magic basketball hoop and the reactions from these two boys was irreplaceable, laughing, giggling, screaming, and squirreling were all part of the reactions to this silly game they had thought up. John asked CJ what question he wanted to ask. CJ responded and John looked into his eyes and after a decent amount of time was able to decipher what it was that CJ was trying to say. He Listened. He gave CJ the time of day. He loved. I love my job. It is incredible to see all the things that I can learn from children while teaching in nature but this one tops the cake. I am in awe of the love of John and want to live in a kind of love like that. Completely selfless, full abandonment. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus like the example that I saw today. Some say that 6^th graders are almost like a different species of human because of all the changes that they are going through with their hormones and their bodies and I would agree. John is a rarity not only of 6^th grade boys but really a rarity of humanity. John loves in a love that has no limits. A love that has no bounds. The love of Jesus.

Live for today. Just today, not for tomorrow, today.